Thursday, January 18, 2018

Spaghetti Scenarios

G'day M8s!!!  The Scale Creep really got me fired up after they posted up a bunch of Italian 80s ripoff movies.  So I set out to make a Spaghetti Scenario based off the ones I had watched so far.
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Here is the list of what I have watched so far with gameable bits and boobs to stick into your scenarios.

2020 Texas Gladiators :
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Initial release: 1983
Directors: Joe D'Amato, George Eastman
If you like Cowboys, Nazi's and Indians this one is just for you.  When the Nazi's come to town and enslave everyone, you better call the Rangers.  The evil villain forgot the first rule of Texas, even in a post apoc America you still don't mess with Texas!

 Gameable bits and boobs:
  •  A villain who was once a friend who leads the nazi scouts
  •  The nazi's have bulletproof power shields
  •  A Russian Roulette game which leads to a bar brawl
  •  An aimed shot setting off a TNT landslide
  • Shame an Indian tribe to make a cavalry charge against the nazis since the bulletproof shields can be foiled by arrows. 

The New Barbarians:
 Image result for the new barbarians 1983
Release date: January 1984
Director: Enzo G. Castellari
It's 2019 and it's all grimdark after the nuclear war.  The best part of this movie is the costumes.  I can't wait to dress like this next year all shiny and chrome! Besides the outfits the only entertainment is trying to survive being killed by the Templars.  If you lucky you might get the help of the ex Templar Scorpion.  This movie was a lumpy turd and the only thing saving it was the costumes and the Templars being such villianous mooks they should be on a table top near you.

 Gameable bits and boobs:
  • A wasteland Hero riding around saving damsel's in distress
  • A feral kid who is your mechanic
  • The Templars must eliminate all life as punishment as the good lord intended, makes for easy bad guys
  • A sidekick/nemesis who is just in the right place to keep you from losing that last wound
  • Vehicles with lances, and other zany weapons, to bad they never get above 20mph

 Image result for she 1982
Release date: December 25, 1985
Director: Avi Nesher
New York has been "Canceled", with each burrough being its own tribe.  We follow Tom from New Jersey trying to rescue his kid sister from the Norks (nazi's).   Sandahl Bergman plays "She", who ends up aiding Tom after he escapes from her.  They must face a tutu-wearing giant, a psychic communist, toga-wearing werewolves, and mutants bandaged up like Egyptian mummies, then finish of the nazi's I mean Norks. This one was great I can't wait for the Cancellation so I can worship Sandahl Bergman.
Gameable bits and boobs: 
  • A barbarian nazi (Nork) cavalry attack, in which a little sister is kidnapped
  • She exploring a warehouse where gladiators burst out of shipping crates to attack, with the final boss being killed by shoving a grenade in his mouth.  As She walks away.
  •  Werewolf sleeping orgy attack, think Conan orgy warpaint battle
  • 3 heroes and one little sister make a last stand on a bridge where you are facing 10 times your number, but you've created a bottle neck with 4 fallback positions, and magically found some explosives.  Don't forget to have the Norks constantly shout :"Norks!"
  • If your heroes are in trouble She's warrior women cavalry will burst on to the battlefield to even the score every freaking time.

The Barbarians:

Image result for The Barbarians
Initial release: March 20, 1987
Director: Ruggero Deodato
Some mean warlord with a barbarian horde kills a circus troupe in search of a big ruby.  He also sends the twins to work in the mines so we can have a Conanesque the boys are grown up montage. The twins Kutchek (Peter Paul) and Goro (David Paul) all grown up are to fight each other to the death, hilarity ensues. I drank 3 Nos's while watching this one, when the blood started running out of my nostrils I knew it was time to go out in the gym and hurl stones till I passed out.

 Gameable bits and boobs:
  •  Running Wagon train/Stagecoach fight
  • The Barbarian Bros spend most of the movie going around unarmed fighting fully armed adversaries
  • If your hero gets a rope around their neck they can just flex and break it, then laugh about it.
  •  Throwing your sword like a spear always kills the bad guy
  •  The brothers have to retrieve the magic ruby from inside a crappy looking dragon, everyone should have a game table that looks like the inside of a dragons stomach.

Image result for hundra
Initial release: 1983
Director: Matt Cimber
A tale of a vengeful Amazon who needs to have a baby to repopulate her tribe wiped out by Barbarians who are the only people she can have a a baby with. (Confusing I know) She then takes on the establishment and slaughters just about everybody.  I enjoyed this one so much I ran out into the snow and ripped off my bra to burn it!
 Gameable bits and boobs:
  •  Barbarian cavalry horde massacres Amazon village
  •  Hundra fights 16 barbarians from a rocky outcrop and slays them all
  •  Civilization for girls is a lot like math....Hard,  so there is an elaborate rooftop chase when Hundra just can't figure out the local customs and mores (I'm joking, honest!)
  •  A fight with mounted dwarf slayer covered in warpaint
  •  A cowardly dog, that can lead your horse where you need it to go (I really like that one)

Hearts and Armour:,0,1349,1000_AL_.jpg
Initial release: September 21, 1983
Director: Giacomo Battiato
A Christian knight (Rick Edwards) loves the sister (Tanya Roberts) of a Saracen warrior who in turn loves a female Christian knight (Barbara De Rossi).   Not a love triangle but a love rectangle.
This one is my favorite so far.  It's is very Realm of Chaosy with the "Christians"  being Khorne, and the "Moors"  being Slaanesh, with the hiring of Tzeentch mercenaries.

 I especially like the Turkish movie poster with a Ken Kelly piece that it totally ripping off Frank Frazetta's  Princess of Mars
 Image result for mechul savasciRelated image

Gameable bits and boobs:
  •  A ghost knight who can save a character on their last wound, they then get the armor and horse
  •  A war decided by just having 4 champions from each nation duel in the wilderness
  •  A third faction of mercenary knights with special powers
  •  A He-man berserker who kills a whole enemy squad chasing his friend. (Why didn't he keep using that two handed Brawd Sward the whole movie?)
  • A knight wondering the battlefield having lost his horse 
There are a lot more for this one but you will have to watch it for yourself.

 I plan on watching these ones next:


  1. That's fantastic research Grover!
    Boiling down each movie into scenario springboard points is brilliant.

    Imagination fuel.

    Thanks for sifting the peanuts out of so much dogshit ;D

    1. ;) Thanks M8! It was no problem getting my hands a little dirty. LOL

  2. Hearts and Armour! I want to see that nonsense! How 1980s it is with its depiction of Moors?

    I'm stealing "Mechul Savasci" as a name for a Space Pirate.

    1. I wouldn't even have called them moors. LOL It is as historical as Excalibur is to dark age Britian. ;)

  3. I expect to see pics of you stripped down to a hairy loin cloth, long locks flowing in the wind, brandishing your war axe as you run down a post-apocalyptic high street in middle america.

    1. When the Revolution/Post Apoc comes and if I still have wifi I will make it so. ;) LMAO

  4. This is basically the best post I've seen on the internet all year.

    Also, incidentally, I think pretty much all of these could fit into the same game setting :)

    1. Thanks Ivan! ;) I totally agree....these could be run in just about any genre to fit one's needs.

  5. But but but... where are the carriers?

  6. Ack , hit publish too soon...
    They could be played in sequence in a Necromunda campaign

  7. those all look horrible, And I can not wait to watch them.... I believe I have already watch "She" a few times on some late monster movie local cable access channel when I was a kid.

    1. They are but so good. You can find most of them on youtube, but you might have to searcha bit for an English dub. ;)

  8. The sad thing is I've actually seen most of them! But Hearts and Armour is my favorite, even had miniature conversions of most of the actors .....)

    1. It was mine too. That's awesome, do you have a blogpost on them?

  9. Looks like I need to do my homework, maybe have these on while I paint? Sandahl Bergman and Tonya Roberts? Schwing! Do we need to be oiled and flexing to play all these scenarios?

  10. Schwing Schwing! Of course we have to oil up and flex. ;) LOL